Confessions Pt. 1

CONFESSION: Drew and I talked about filing for divorce this year. It sounds almost comical to even write those words. When you’re in a place of wholeness the idea of being broken isn’t even rational. He is my best friend, the greatest love I’ve ever known (besides Jesus of course). Life without him, wouldn’t be the same. And I wouldn’t want to do life without him, not really.

It’s sweet and all when people says things like “divorce is not an option!” and “we don’t say the “d” word in this house!” but let’s be real here, we live in America. It’s always an option. Even if you’re not saying it out loud, it’s a fact that in the United States of America with a few pieces of paperwork and some filing fees you can be done with your marriage in about 60-90 days. It’s the reality of our culture. And believe me, even if you don’t say it out loud, it will probably cross your mind at one point or another. It sounds crazy to think we would have been in that mindset, but it’s the truth. We talked about filing for divorce. We talked about it more than once. We even started looking through paperwork at one point. We fought a LOT this year. Looking back, I couldn’t even tell you what we were fighting about. We never fight about finances or sex or any of the typical things people argue about. And we genuinely love each other, respect each other, and are in each other’s lives every single day. Yet, we were fighting. It didn’t make any sense and it sounded so much easier to just throw in the towel. And honestly, it would have been easier to give up. Being single is infinitely easier than dying to yourself every day to put someone before you. Marriage will wear down the flaws in you, if you let it. But it’s a rough process. Cutting away pieces of your flesh to let the Sprit inside of you out… hurts a little. And every chance he gets the enemy is right there waiting for his opportunity to trip you up. I don’t say that to give glory to Satan. I say it so you can understand how people go from no issues to explosive issues.

When we were in the deepest parts of that season, I wanted to blame for Drew for everything. There were promises he didn’t follow through on and growth that I wasn’t seeing and it wore me down. I wanted to blame him, and I had every right to blame him. I’m a logical person, and I could take you point by point through every situation and showcase how justified I was in my offense and my pain. And honestly, I was. I had the right to be hurt. I had the right to be let down. I had the right to blame Drew. But unfortunately for me, I surrendered my rights the day I decided to follow Jesus. I wanted to blame Drew, but really it was my fault. Our struggle was my fault, because I wasn’t struggling. I wasn’t going through dramatic life changes. I was happy and free and enjoying the journey with Jesus while my husband was dying beside me. And I let it happen. Instead of trying to be strong when he was weak, I pushed him down more in my frustration. Instead of lifting him up, I let the enemy create arrogance out of my freedom.

I wanted to blame Drew. I tried to blame him. I was ready to completely walk out. But then I stopped long enough to let the Holy Spirit speak, and I was ashamed at how much I had let the enemy win. I preach all the time that, “there’s no timeline on people’s transformation! It’s not up for you to decide how quickly someone grows!” and yet that’s exactly what I was doing. I put a timeline on his transformation, and I let my grace expire. Yea, I wanted to blame him and I could list out a thousand reasons why, but he wasn’t the one to blame.

I would love to say that all my beautiful Holy Spirit revelations were what broke the enemy’s stronghold and we just patched ourselves up, put ourselves back together and it was just that simple. Honestly, it was that simple, but not by our own hands. The enemy’s grip was loosened, but not out of my will. We want to believe that we can deal with our problems on our own. We want to believe all we need is some Jesus and our quiet time and we can “fix” things. It’s a lie. You need people. You need to talk to people. I’ll be honest, admitting to people around us that Drew and I were that close to killing each other SUCKED. I hated it. I felt embarrassed. Especially considering the pre-Jesus divorces I had under my belt. The thought crossing my mind wasn’t “someone help me!” it was “what are people going to think of me.” It took every ounce of dying to my flesh to open up to people I trusted. Then Drew opened up to people he trusted, and within a week… breakthrough. It came through PEOPLE.

There is no “right” answer for breakthrough and growth. For some people it takes counseling, for others it’s mentorship, for some it’s just getting healed by the Holy Spirit. For us, it was stripping away pride and admitting that we needed help. The day we both opened up to people we trusted, things BROKE because God didn’t design us to do this thing alone. You may not be going through marriage struggles but you may be struggling. Don’t struggle alone. Get honest with people, BRUTALLY honest. It’s gonna hurt, it’s gonna be awkward, the enemy will try to put shame on you, but if you push past every single wall your flesh puts up, those walls will come crashing down. That’s where freedom is.

We don’t even think about divorce now. We laugh, we play, we support each other, things are back to normal. But it wouldn’t have happened without the breaking first. Break yourself. It’s worth it.